The seat by the pillar

The first thing I looked at as I entered office was the seat by the pillar and barely visible head already working hard. Maybe it was that was in my direct line of vision or because the back of todi’s head gave me some kind of re-assurance that I’m not alone in this vast office.

Now, it’s not like I was sitting with him the whole day chatting and whiling away time. Both of us were busy with our work, him a lot more than me, but his sheer presence had a soothing effect. All my coffee excursions inevitably began or ended with a min or two spent at his desk, discussing nothing, discussing everything.

As he packs his bags and says his goodbyes before leaving for guwahati, i'll miss everything about him. His ideas for the K gudi trip, or attempts at lifting weights in the gym, his languid natural walk or him rushing around for some meeting, his tales of the crazy party the night before, just the silly grin he had on his face almost all the time.

But most of all, I’ll miss the back of the head buried deep into the monitor on the seat by the pillar everyday when I enter office or when I go to get some coffee.

Bored and Aimless

I wake up every morning, dreading the day that lies ahead of me – not because of my overloaded schedule, but because of the hours I waste in office.

I walk into office with no major task pending, desperately hoping there’d be some nice article on cricinfo, or the new quiz question would’ve come.

Browsing aimlessly though cricinfo, or espnstar, or Google, or wiki, I wonder quite often – Is this corporate life all about? I have friends who can never complete their work, or have to stay in office till un-earthly hours to barely manage it. I frequently hear complaints about the huge tasks that are given to them that just cannot be finished within the time frame specified. Unfortunately, I cannot relate to any of this. My days in office would rank amongst the worst and most boring days of my life. No wonder I try to think of hairy-brained schemes to keep myself occupied and prompt my friends to ask if I don’t have any work in office. Well, I don’t... Really...

There are a few friends who try to keep me company online, whenever they are free, and I’m grateful to them to make a few hours of my day a little cheerful. Why do you think I gladly take up responsibility for all things in our group, be it K GUDI or this stupid IPL SYNDICATE and then face the ire or my frens? Well, for all the ire and snide remarks that come my way, at least all this keeps me little occupied.

Back home at 5 almost every second day, I waste my evenings sitting in front of the TV waiting for the match to begin. The passion to do anything seems to have left me. Sometimes, I honestly question myself why I’m going through this monotonous drab existence and wasting what people call are the ‘precious few years” of my life.

Recently, a couple of close friends asked me why I don’t look for some other options if I’m not satisfied with the current situation, but the whole thing is too complicated, maybe because of my spineless nature or the situation itself is screwed, I don’t know.

I don’t remember having been so bored and aimless in life ever, and I hate every moment of it. For all of my friends’ talk of the excessive workload in office, I know and even they know I’d gladly swap my life for theirs.

If you think I’ve forgiven you, you’re highly mistaken

Thank you.

For successfully ruining my entire life. It’s been a long time now, but I’m still reeling from the consequences of listening to you, more so now, if it’s possible. And it’s not like you’ve realized your folly and stopped or slowed down. You continue wanting to rule my life and ruin it even more. Yes, you’ve apologized once when you thought your mistake was paining me but what pains me even more is that you can’t still see which the bigger mistake was. The one you’ve always apologized for or the one where you still think and maintain the decision was taken in MY best interests.

I don’t think I ever really wanted to do all those things I’ve done. And that was My biggest mistake! To just go along with what you said thinking it was in my best interests. BULL….! I’m a gullible person and you’ve taken ample advantage of that fact, manipulating me according to your needs and desires. Unlike most others, you’ve not tried to live your dreams and aspirations through me, that much I know and accept, but please, let’s stop this façade of acting in my best interests. Has it ever been in my best interest, or its been in “our” best interest, which very conveniently hides the fact that “our” comprises of YOU more than ME.

Not a day goes by when I don’t regret the decisions “I take” on your “advice”, but you see, I’m weak, cowardly and you know that.

So, I guess nothing will change. I will still take “my own” decisions, but be reminded that each one is basically “your” decision, not mine.

I might be equally responsible for my condition and ruin, for not being strong, and I will regret following your path without maybe doing anything to forge my own, but if you think I’ve forgotten or forgiven you, or that i ever will, you’re highly mistaken!

PRETENDER

“If I person like you doesn’t get into DCE, who will”

“You toh are the perfect IIM material”

“You are ideally suited for program manager role”

“You should be able to get 750 in GMAT”

“I feel dumb when I sit next to you in math class”

“Tere kaaran ek open dream kam ho gaya”

“I have a strong feeling ki doh saal mein tu mera manager hoga”

Intelligent, brilliant, sharp, talented – some of the adjectives that’ve been used to describe me over the years. EMPTY WORDS!!! These are nothing more than that.

What have I done in the 22 years of my life to deserve these, I wonder? I’ve become bloated, cocky, arrogant, and oh yeah, did I mention – failed at each and every step of life!

I couldn’t get into IIT, couldn’t get into DCE in 2 attempts, and needed my dad’s money to study where I eventually did – RVCE. If it weren’t for the MQ seats, I should and would’ve very well studied in some local college in Delhi. Even after getting in, I’ve been nothing but above mediocre.

Brilliant in math? Hell, I goofed up CAT and numerous other exams due to my pathetic math capabilities. Two attempts at CAT lead to nothing but frustration for everyone involved, and the occasional, now usual, “how could a person like you not get it”. That’s because I’m not that intelligent. Doesn’t anyone get it?

GMAT was supposed to be easy for me, according to my mother and the counselors because of my “brilliant” English score in CAT 2006. Yeah, quite a simple affair it turned out to be. After spending another 25000 on GMAT coaching, I ended up getting 700, nothing but above average at best.

People think of various excuses for my failure, the most common one being my lack of effort? Why isn’t anyone willing to concede that I might not be as gifted as you make out or glorify me to be? My bro got into DCE and he must’ve studied less than I did. I’m pretty sure he’ll do well in CAT too in due course of time.

As I miss the Microsoft boat, people’ve come up with new quotes –

“If MICROSOFT didn’t select you from the written, they are fools”

But why doesn’t someone try this for a change –

“Maybe it was a little bit above your level”

There are times I’m thankful I didn’t sit for the placements for I’m sure I would’ve been found out for what I really am. A pretender! Yeah, if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s pretending.

Pretending to be smart, pretending to have a knowledgeable opinion on every topic under the sun, pretending to what others have made me out to be.

I guess I really should stop this drama. My cue, which should have come a long time back, is finally upon me.

It’s time for my EXIT.

(STAGE RIGHT)

That evening in June

Hey, been totally out of touch with blogging past few months. Guess its both lack of inspiration and sheer laziness that's been keeping me away.
So, i thought of putting up an old poem of mine just to get things re-started and maybe gain some inspiration.

It's called "An Evening in June "

I was standing there, in my greenish hues,
Then you came in, in your emerald blue,
Oh, my heart leapt to the seventh sky,

that evening in June.

It was our farewell, our farewell to school,
You with your friends, looking to begin anew,
But i didn't want to say goodbye,

that evening in June.

I tried my best, couldn't help looking at you,
Your smile so cute, hair shining like the morning dew,
You set the whole place alight,

that evening in June.

What pained me most, as we danced to the tune,
Was that you had no clue, how i felt about you,
No wonder my heart cried,

that evening in June.

It was the end, and as i shook hands with you,
Realization hit me, there would be no Me and You,
Why didn't time just stop,

that evening in June.

This year has brought a January new,
But i still can't forget your smile so cute, the emerald blue,
No, i can never forget you,

and, that evening in June.

How can i ever forget,

that evening with You.

I don't know... anymore!!

I don't know whether my smile's mine anymore,
I don't know the reason for life anymore.

I don't know why the birds chirp in the sky anymore,
I don't know why humans laugh or cry anymore.

I don't know whether my smile's mine anymore,
I don't know the reason for life anymore.

WHY???

Why does everybody hate me so,

What have I done to cause a row?

Have I not stepped forward at each step,

To help, to give, to forgive, n to forget..

Why am I the one always left out,

Why does me everybody doubt?

Have I not shared with each and one,

Given a part of me, that I have left none..

Why, this poor soul cries,

Why me, whose being tried??

Tell me my fault to make me see,

What’s my folly, what’s wrong with me..

Why don’t u talk to me,

You in blue, hey you in green?

Have I to be shunned like this,

I’m ready to change, servility ain’t this..

Why does everybody hate me so,

What have I done to cause a row?